Testudinata - The Next Big Thing
Correspondent: Pastaroni


What the heck is a "Testudinata?"




"The Kingdom's newest hawt 'n' secksy buffbot extraordinaire," according to Otori's own Lukifer, who was kind enough to sit down with the Strange Leaflet to answer a few questions about Testudinata, The Turtle Within. "She will cheerfully provide you with any buff at or below cost."

It was just after ascension rolled out when the whispering about the ultimate buffbot began in Otori, one of the jazziest high-end clans of the Kingdom. They had already created a trio of seasoned buffbots: DragonSlayersAnon (Turtle Tamer), Leethal (Sauceror) and Sneaksie (Accordion Thief), but with the new possibilities that ascension offered in skill acquisition, the time for a grand new buffbot was at hand. "We ascended her through enough times to get every single buffable skill in the game." Needless to say, Testudinata is ready and able to serve a player's every buff-related need.

For those not in the know, a buffbot is an account, run by a computer program, that gives players buffs (Polka of Plenty, Elemental Saucephere, and more) when a proper command is sent.

"Testudinata (or Test, as she is often called) works on the basis of kmails. Send her a kmail message with the appropriate amount of meat attached, and you'll get buffed." Test's price list can be found linked in her profile, or on the KoL Wiki. "Most of the time it takes around fifteen seconds to come through, but during periods of heavy lag, it can sometimes take several minutes or more. This should be much less of a problem once the new servers go into place." After the servers went up, we can safely say they were right, but still . . .

"Buffs sometimes get delayed due to maintenance or other issues," says Lukifer. "If it's taking a while to go through, you should check her profile, as her status is always listed there."

Creating a buffbot of this magnitude is an enormous undertaking. Design and maintenance alone take a great deal of manpower, not to mention the funding. Who would be mad enough to do it?

"The project was Slashor's brainchild, but it's been a team effort every step of the way. The vast majority of the 'grunt work' (taking her through 30 ascensions) was done before I joined Otori, and the entire project was started only a couple weeks after ascension first rolled out. Badmojo and Slashor did most of the ascending work, Ivalice modified KoLmafia for us, Tagliatelle did some amazing number-crunching to determine prices, and MaryOfDoom put together the Wiki page. Demius is the official backup, and I am currently the host."

That's a big team effort, but of course, everyone in Otori puts in their own two cents, as well as their own resources in both meat and items. Many clans are known for their philanthropy and service to the Loathing community, but most express it in giveaways, contests, and pretentious, self-aggrandizing webzines. Why does any clan go through the effort of creating such a monumental and useful resource?

"It provides a valuable leg up for newbies, as well as players who don't happen to have millions of meat stashed away in Hagnk's. It's also quicker and easier than soliciting for buffs in /trade, and useful for those who want to load up 10,000 turns of buffs in one go. But I think the most important reason that we created Testudinata is because we could!"

The mechanics behind a buffbot sound so unbelievably complicated that the Leaflet didn't even bother asking how they’re made or programmed, but we did get a few general details about how she operates on a daily basis.

"We run Test on a modified version of KoLmafia for the actual bot engine," says Lukifer. "MP's get restored soley through magical mystery juices, which is why we ended as Sauceror for her final class. As far as adventuring, I have been aggressively power-leveling her, since magical mystery juice’s effectiveness scales with level. Surprisingly enough, I've discovered through rigorous testing that the post-ascension 'super-gyms’ are actually more effective than shoring, and so that’s now where she spends most of her time."

After that it's a simple procedure of tending to her vitals. She eats, drinks, shops, and hits the gym, and that's Test's day. That, and tending to the buff-casting needs of anyone smart enough to use her.

Otori's bots are all 100 percent not-for-profit. In fact, at the time of our interview with Lukifer, Testudinata was running at a severe loss. "The majority of the traffic is for the philanthropic buffs, which only cost between one and nine meat. It fluctuates, but on average she goes through about 10,000 magical mystery juices per day, at 100 meat each. You do the math." We did, and our experts tell us that adds up to 1,000,000 meat per day.

Testudinata does offer full-price buffs, which give you a much greater bulk at one time. These buffs do help pay for the extreme costs of maintenance, but Testudinata runs primarily on donations from players like you. "We'll put your name on a spiffy donators list on Test's forum page, and you'll feel special!"

Let's face it. Testudinata is a way that anyone in the game, when not in ronin or hardcore, can get, and always have, every buff in the game for very little money. It's almost like cheating, isn't it? Jick and Mr. Skullhead have always maintained that the game is the game itself. Does something like Testudinata annoy them?

"From what I've gathered, they tend to have mixed feelings on buffbots," says Lukifer. "[Jick and Mr. Skullhead] heavily support philanthropy, but they also don't want the game to be made less challenging. When it balances out, I think they really don't care one way or the other."

In point of fact, they do have an opinion on the matter.

"I really don't have a problem with this type of botting," says Mr. Skullhead, administrator, ladies man, and local raconteur. "They tend to be operated more as a community service than a way to make meat, screw over other players, or contribute to lag."

Whether or not a bot like Testudinata is good or bad for the Kingdom of Loathing in the long run is up to you, but Otori is staunchly behind their creation.

"She will definitely benefit the game by leveling the playing field for newbies and non-wealthy players, and making the game a little easier for those types of players who aren't power-gamers and don't like things to be too challenging. Given that Testudinata is useless to those players in hardcore or ronin, I think she'll have the overall effect of making your first run through the game easier without upsetting the game balance for those who are active ascenders.

"On the downside, she probably will have the unfortunate tendency of taking business away from those who are selling buffs in /trade, but there will always be some market for that, and hey, that's just the way the economy works sometimes."

That's very true. As long as there are innovative, imaginative people out there, the future stays in motion. It's the motto of the League of Etymology, in fact: All things change, and we change with them. Never is that better represented than in the liquid world of the Kingdom of Loathing.