You read the strange leaflet... (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} strangeleaflet) wrote,@ 2006-03-29 12:17:00 |
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Fan Fiction by KolonelK (#584188)
Quality Fan Fic Department
In the Lair of the Naughty Sorceress, a Journal of my Travels
9:00am
Final preparations begin for entry into the Sorceress' Lair. The Council have instructed me to reach the tower and confront the Sorceress at all costs.
I am currently packing everything I shall require for the quest. Of course, I always take way more than I need, but sometimes you just don't know when you're going to need a wad of dough and a lump of bat guano.
10:42am
Bitchin' meatcar stalls outside of Degrassi Knoll. Upon inspection, tank is empty. Pour everything left in wallet into tank and continue journey. Damn car thinks I'm made of meat.
Continue on at leisurely pace, only stopped intermittently by bugbears trying to wash my windscreen.
11:22am
Having made my way through the outer gates of the lair using the most tortuous methods (I felt like a diabetic kid stumbling into a Bauhaus concert), I found myself in a passage ending in front of a gigantic mirror, much like those favoured by Disco Bandits who will place them liberally throughout their bedrooms. Modesty will not allow me to reveal how I discovered the hidden panel beyond, but I have taken with me a rather nice shard to trick out the bitchin' meatcar when I get back home.
11:35am
I find myself recovering from a very disappointing experience involving stone statues, pungent gases, and a rather aggressive skeleton. If it wasn't for the ridiculously deep pockets that the tailors of the Kingdom insist on providing in every piece of clothing I would have been forced to head back home to raid the closet a dozen times or more.
12:50am
Who in their right mind plants a hedge maze directly in front of their door? And then leaves the key lying around in the open. And all that privet... I thought I was allergic to it, but having it leap out of nowhere and try to scratch your face off is a whole new level of sinus pain.
Pretty nifty little puzzles though. Might take one home for the leprechaun.
1:37pm
I am beginning to find this whole situation unbearable. In the last hour I have been accosted by a giant thumb, a beer pitcher that insisted it was a batter, an extremely aggressive globe (I thought the world was flat), a rather disturbingly attractive fly, and a gigantic ice cube!
The more I see of this place, the more I begin to consider that calling her the Naughty Sorceress is probably not as technically correct as the Stark Raving Mental Sorceress.
1:56pm
Now I know why so many people come back from this Lair looking so beaten and exhausted - six flights of stone steps!
2:24pm
Sat in on a game of poker, won 500 meat, got electrocuted by a door with clearly faulty wiring, and almost had my leg bitten off by one of the poker players who was a bit foamy around the mouth.
But I cannot turn back. The Council needs me. The Kingdom needs me. You know, I have no idea why we're a Kingdom at all, after all I've never seen a King. Maybe he retired, or went on holidays and forgot to come back. Maybe he was kidnapped and imprisoned in a giant crystal... No, far too daft an idea.
2:38pm
So much for decking out the meatcar, I was admiring my new piece of panelling when out of nowhere there was a giant flash and the whole bloody thing vaporised! Then some bugger dressed all in black came out of nowhere and said he was going to do me over, it gave me such a fright I had to pop one of my heart pills. Once I'd caught my breath he'd gone. Odd.
To top it all off, I've almost been killed by chunks of falling masonry. This tower is falling apart around me.
I'd consider this a serious OH&S issue if it wasn't for the fact that just about everything else in here has tried to kill me, so why not the damn roof?
3:16pm
Whatever happened to owning a dog? The last time I checked, potatos and barrrnacles weren't winning "Best of Breed" at the county fair. Or being used for guard duty.
3:38pm
Finally, the door that leads to throne room of the lair of the Naughty Sorceress. My long and arduous quest has almost ended. I put boot to wood and the heavy oak crashes back on its hinges.
Battered, weary, and singed around the edges, I finally came face to face with the Naughty Sorceress in her lair. Black throne, black walls, black (sexy) outfit. Must be a bitch to keep cool in the summer.
Absently juggling two tiny paisley fireballs, she cast me a withering glance and slowly smoothed out a crinkle in her immaculate black dress.
I drew from my back pocket a scroll and read it as I faced the beautiful yet deadly enchantress.
"Ms Sorceress?"
"Yes."
"Ms Naughty Sorceress?"
"Yes."
"Of the Lair of the Naughty Sorceress, Loathing?"
"Yes, that's me. What do you want?"
"I've come to read your gas meter."
Quality Fan Fic Department
In the Lair of the Naughty Sorceress, a Journal of my Travels
9:00am
Final preparations begin for entry into the Sorceress' Lair. The Council have instructed me to reach the tower and confront the Sorceress at all costs.
I am currently packing everything I shall require for the quest. Of course, I always take way more than I need, but sometimes you just don't know when you're going to need a wad of dough and a lump of bat guano.
10:42am
Bitchin' meatcar stalls outside of Degrassi Knoll. Upon inspection, tank is empty. Pour everything left in wallet into tank and continue journey. Damn car thinks I'm made of meat.
Continue on at leisurely pace, only stopped intermittently by bugbears trying to wash my windscreen.
11:22am
Having made my way through the outer gates of the lair using the most tortuous methods (I felt like a diabetic kid stumbling into a Bauhaus concert), I found myself in a passage ending in front of a gigantic mirror, much like those favoured by Disco Bandits who will place them liberally throughout their bedrooms. Modesty will not allow me to reveal how I discovered the hidden panel beyond, but I have taken with me a rather nice shard to trick out the bitchin' meatcar when I get back home.
11:35am
I find myself recovering from a very disappointing experience involving stone statues, pungent gases, and a rather aggressive skeleton. If it wasn't for the ridiculously deep pockets that the tailors of the Kingdom insist on providing in every piece of clothing I would have been forced to head back home to raid the closet a dozen times or more.
12:50am
Who in their right mind plants a hedge maze directly in front of their door? And then leaves the key lying around in the open. And all that privet... I thought I was allergic to it, but having it leap out of nowhere and try to scratch your face off is a whole new level of sinus pain.
Pretty nifty little puzzles though. Might take one home for the leprechaun.
1:37pm
I am beginning to find this whole situation unbearable. In the last hour I have been accosted by a giant thumb, a beer pitcher that insisted it was a batter, an extremely aggressive globe (I thought the world was flat), a rather disturbingly attractive fly, and a gigantic ice cube!
The more I see of this place, the more I begin to consider that calling her the Naughty Sorceress is probably not as technically correct as the Stark Raving Mental Sorceress.
1:56pm
Now I know why so many people come back from this Lair looking so beaten and exhausted - six flights of stone steps!
2:24pm
Sat in on a game of poker, won 500 meat, got electrocuted by a door with clearly faulty wiring, and almost had my leg bitten off by one of the poker players who was a bit foamy around the mouth.
But I cannot turn back. The Council needs me. The Kingdom needs me. You know, I have no idea why we're a Kingdom at all, after all I've never seen a King. Maybe he retired, or went on holidays and forgot to come back. Maybe he was kidnapped and imprisoned in a giant crystal... No, far too daft an idea.
2:38pm
So much for decking out the meatcar, I was admiring my new piece of panelling when out of nowhere there was a giant flash and the whole bloody thing vaporised! Then some bugger dressed all in black came out of nowhere and said he was going to do me over, it gave me such a fright I had to pop one of my heart pills. Once I'd caught my breath he'd gone. Odd.
To top it all off, I've almost been killed by chunks of falling masonry. This tower is falling apart around me.
I'd consider this a serious OH&S issue if it wasn't for the fact that just about everything else in here has tried to kill me, so why not the damn roof?
3:16pm
Whatever happened to owning a dog? The last time I checked, potatos and barrrnacles weren't winning "Best of Breed" at the county fair. Or being used for guard duty.
3:38pm
Finally, the door that leads to throne room of the lair of the Naughty Sorceress. My long and arduous quest has almost ended. I put boot to wood and the heavy oak crashes back on its hinges.
Battered, weary, and singed around the edges, I finally came face to face with the Naughty Sorceress in her lair. Black throne, black walls, black (sexy) outfit. Must be a bitch to keep cool in the summer.
Absently juggling two tiny paisley fireballs, she cast me a withering glance and slowly smoothed out a crinkle in her immaculate black dress.
I drew from my back pocket a scroll and read it as I faced the beautiful yet deadly enchantress.
"Ms Sorceress?"
"Yes."
"Ms Naughty Sorceress?"
"Yes."
"Of the Lair of the Naughty Sorceress, Loathing?"
"Yes, that's me. What do you want?"
"I've come to read your gas meter."
